


Soundproofing

by patchfire, raving_liberal



Series: AKA Jonah [5]
Category: Glee
Genre: Babies, Canon Jewish Character, Colic, Friendship, Gen, Kashrut, Vegetarians & Vegans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/pseuds/patchfire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/raving_liberal/pseuds/raving_liberal
Summary: Summertime with a baby.





	

“Shh, shh, shh,” Puck says to Joel, pacing around the basement. The second three weeks of Joel’s life had been almost exactly like the first three weeks, but two days before school let out for the summer, Joel had started screaming. A week and a few days later, Joel hasn’t really stopped screaming. Puck isn’t sure what time it is, except that it’s the middle of the night. He _is_ sure that Burt had done a really good job soundproofing the basement for Kurt, because neither Burt nor Kurt seems to overhear the screaming. They both refer to Joel having a fussy period in the evening, which makes sense—Puck generally doesn’t shut the basement door until nine or ten—but neither one of them has seemed to realize why Puck has started napping during the day when Joel is napping. 

Joel pauses in his screaming to mouth at Puck’s shoulder, and Puck takes advantage of the temporary pause to warm up another half-full bottle. The sites he’d found when he Googled had said the screaming was probably some half-assed not-really-a-diagnosis called colic. One of the few concrete tips he’d found had suggested feeding half of his regular feeding earlier than usual, with the second half a little later. Puck guesses he does know a little bit about what time it is, since this is the second half of the bottle. 

Sometime after the bottle is empty and Joel burps, Puck falls asleep with Joel’s stomach against his chest. He wakes up when his phone chirps, and Puck groans. “Let me guess,” he tells a still-sleepy Joel. “Breakfast.” 

He fumbles for his phone, reading Kurt’s text through half-closed eyes. 

_Breakfast is ready_

Puck closes one eye fully and types with one hand. _Is it hot or cold?_

_That depends on how quickly you come upstairs_

Puck groans and tosses his phone back onto the mattress, carefully rolling over before sitting up, Joel still cradled against his chest. He shakes his head a few times and manages to look more or less awake and with it, or an approximation of it, by the time he reaches the kitchen. He shifts Joel into his left arm as he sits down at the table.

“‘Morning,” Puck says. 

“Good morning,” Kurt says. “Are you doing well this morning?” He frowns a little as he puts a pan of sausage onto the table.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Puck says. “What is that?” 

“It’s sausage. The Morningstar Farms kind, of course, but since there’s cheese in the eggs, I didn’t want you to miss out,” Kurt says. 

“Cheese in the eggs?” Puck asks blankly. 

“Scrambled eggs with cheese,” Kurt says, like that’s some kind of explanation.

“Is that a thing people do?” 

Kurt tilts his head to the side. “You’ve never had scrambled eggs with cheese?”

“Eggs are pareve, just like fish,” Puck says, surprised at how well he remembers the information. “So you wouldn’t make it a dairy meal just to add some cheese to them.” 

“You never bought the vegetarian sausage?” 

“Turkey sausage,” Puck says, thinking about breakfasts at Nana’s. “Turkey bacon, too. Quinn said it wasn’t the same, but I wouldn’t know any different.” 

“You do _like_ cheese, though, right?” Kurt asks. “If you’d rather I not put it in your food, I can make you some without.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve only ever had like… five or six kinds of cheese?” Puck guesses. “But it’s good.” 

“Only five or six kinds?” Kurt looks horrified. 

“Cheddar, mozzarella, the kind that isn’t mozzarella that they have at sandwich shops—provolone?, pepperjack, and the monster one. Oh, and Swiss and American, if it counts.”

“Barely,” Kurt says. “So, no brie? No gruyère?” 

“Never even heard of the last one, and no brie,” Puck says, picking up his fork with his free hand. 

“I’m going to remedy that, then. I’ll make a baked brie this weekend,” Kurt says. 

“Okay, sure,” Puck says with a shrug. He purposely jostles Joel a little, because if Joel wakes up and has a bottle while Puck eats, they can both take a nap later. “Did you throw a bottle on the stove this morning?” 

“When I texted you. I set it on the counter.” Kurt picks the bottle up from the counter and hands it to Puck. 

“Awesome, thanks.” Puck sets the bottle down and takes a few bites of food, including the weird-looking vegetarian sausage, before shifting Joel and giving him the bottle. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kurt asks. “You’ve been sleeping a lot.”

“Sleep when the baby sleeps,” Puck says. He isn’t exactly sure why he hasn’t mentioned Joel’s colic to Burt and Kurt, though part of it is that Burt didn’t have to let them move in the first place. Why bother him with extra crying? 

“You might be coming down with something,” Kurt says, frowning. He makes a motion with his hand like he’s going to put the back of it against Puck’s forehead, and Puck pulls away, waving his own hand towards Kurt. 

“I’m fine,” Puck insists. “No symptoms of anything.” 

“Hmm,” Kurt says. He scoops up more scrambled eggs and puts them on Puck’s plate. 

“Seriously. Joel and I are going to hang out today. Right, Joel?” 

“Maybe you should see if Finn wants to do something. You could take Joel to the park,” Kurt suggests. “Or I could watch Joel, if you wanted to take a walk.”

“He’s a little young for the swings just yet,” Puck says. “We’re good. You can go on to—where were you going today? Mercedes, or the shop?” 

“Mercedes. Bathing suit shopping. Her family is going to Orlando this summer, and she says she needs enough time to mentally prepare herself,” Kurt says. 

“She could go with, like, neon green,” Puck says thoughtfully. 

Kurt shakes his head. “Oh god no.”

“Well, she shouldn’t go with pastel green.” Joel slurps around the bottle noisily at that. 

“Leave the swimsuit shopping to the experts, Puck.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not the one that appreciates the view after it’s on, is all I’m saying,” Puck says, grinning at Kurt. 

“I’m less concerned with the male gaze and more concerned with Mercedes’ confidence,” Kurt says. 

“Which is she more concerned with?” 

“As she’ll be with her entire family, I’m thinking option B.”

“Okay,” Puck says doubtfully, because he doesn’t think the presence or absence of her family would really matter to Mercedes if a guy was showing significant interest. “Well, you have fun, I guess?” 

“Try to get out of the house for even a little while,” Kurt suggests. 

“Yeah, okay,” Puck says, even though he doesn’t really need anything and can’t figure out why Kurt wants him to run errands or whatever so much. “Later, Kurt.” 

After Joel finishes, Puck sets him down on a blanket in the living room and washes up the dishes, which is easy enough to do before Joel gets fussy. They stay awake for a couple of hours before napping, and at the end of the nap, Puck wakes up to the sound of knocking on the door. He looks over at Joel, who is still asleep, and shrugs. 

“I don’t know who it is,” Puck whispers. “Finn promised Carole he’d do some box lifting or something today.” Still, he heads upstairs and opens the door, somehow unsurprised to find Rachel on the other side of it. 

“Hello, Noah!” Rachel says. “I thought I’d come visit you and Joel, unless you had other plans, but I know Finn’s busy, and I saw Kurt check in at the mall.” 

“I have more than two friends,” Puck protests, but he opens the door so Rachel can come in. “Joel’s asleep downstairs, so we should probably go down there.” 

“Oh, of course,” Rachel says, already lowering her voice. “And of course you do, but you have to admit you’ve spent the summer so far with one or both of them.” 

“It’s still a little awkward between the two of them,” Puck says. “I can’t really blame either of them, either.”

“Do you think it’ll improve?” Rachel asks as they head down the stairs. 

“Maybe when Kurt starts dating,” Puck says dubiously. 

“Oh, well, that’s a bit of a problem, isn’t it?” 

“I keep trying to get him to spend time with Matt. We don’t know if Matt’s straight or not. It could happen,” Puck says. 

Rachel giggles quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed and glancing briefly at Joel. “That’s true! Maybe Finn’s mom will throw another party and we can make sure and arrange for the two of them to be alone for a little bit.” 

“I’m not singing it, Rachel.” 

“Come on, Noah, please?” 

“No, we can’t corrupt Joel with _Fiddler_ this early in life. My Nana may have done it to me, but you aren’t a Nana, and I can make sure he’s at least five or six, first.” 

“I’d want to play Tzeitel anyway, I suppose,” Rachel says with a sigh. 

“Is that on your bucket list?” Puck asks, laughing. 

“I have a bucket _notebook_ ,” Rachel says dramatically before starting to laugh too. Joel stirs a little, and Rachel looks briefly stricken. 

“Nah, it was time for him to get up anyway,” Puck says, standing up and putting Joel against his shoulder. “Plus it’s almost lunch time. You staying?” 

“Do you have anything vegan?” 

Puck laughs again. “We have enough vegan for months. I think Kurt’s slowly moving Burt to a vegan diet without telling him. Almond milk showed up in the refrigerator this week.” 

“I love almond milk ‘milkshakes’,” Rachel says. “Let’s make a deal: I’ll stay for a while, and I’ll make a chocolate-almond shake for you before I go.” 

“It’s not sugar-free, is it?” Puck asks skeptically. When Rachel shakes her head, he nods. “Okay, deal.” 

Rachel stays at the house for another three hours or so, and while her chocolate-almond shake doesn’t really taste much like a milkshake, she’s equally right in that you wouldn’t think it was a vegan smoothie. After Rachel leaves to pick up groceries and head home for dinner, Puck feeds Joel a bottle before the two of them lie down for another nap. 

Puck isn’t sure how long they’ve been napping, even though he’s pretty sure it’s not long, when he hears Kurt’s footsteps on the stairs. “Shhh,” Puck whispers. 

“Napping?” Kurt says quietly as he comes into view.

“Yeah, afternoon nap time,” Puck says, slowly sitting up. “Did Mercedes find a swimsuit?” 

“She found two,” Kurt says. “One for the parents, one for the boys.”

“Told you,” Puck says smugly. 

“And I took your advice under consideration.”

“No pastel green? Good,” Puck says. “Is it almost dinnertime? Need me to do anything?” 

“No green at all. You can come up and set the table when Joel’s nap is done,” Kurt says. 

“You do realize I know how to do some basic cooking, right?” 

“I like to think my cooking is a little beyond basic.”

“I had a vegan chocolate-almond smoothie today,” Puck says, deciding he’ll leave out the part where it was Rachel’s recipe. Overall, it’s probably better that he leaves out that Rachel was there at all, except to Finn himself, all things considered.

“Goodness. That’s enterprising!” Kurt says. 

“We could probably get some fake ice cream that’s better for your dad and convince him it’s a real milkshake,” Puck says. Puck’s not convinced that Burt’s really in imminent danger, but he does eat a lot of snacks while he watches TV, so maybe Kurt’s right. 

Kurt smiles and looks impressed. “That’s an excellent suggestion. You can help me pick out a variety that doesn’t taste too soy.”

“The bean taste is a turn-off, yeah.” Joel stirs a little and Puck stands up. “You’re already ready for dinner, little guy?” 

“Is he still having that short fussy period in the evenings?” Kurt asks. 

Puck holds back a snort as he nods. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty typical,” Puck says. “We’ll get through it.” 

Puck makes sure to text Finn that night, and like he expected, Finn didn’t seem concerned about Puck and Rachel spending part of the day together. They make plans for Finn to come over the day after next, and Puck closes the door to the basement around 9:30, just as Joel’s fussy period is really gearing up. 

The next day is about the same, minus the visit from Rachel, and when Puck wakes up the next morning, he manages to be awake before Joel without assistance from a text message. 

“Score,” Puck whispers, creeping up the stairs to grab some coffee before coming back down to watch Joel sleep. He finishes the coffee just as Joel wakes up, and the two of them eat their breakfast at the same time. Kurt leaves for the shop, and Puck goes into the living room with Joel to wait for Finn to knock. When Finn does knock, it’s a little tentative, and Puck jumps up. 

“Hey, it’s just us,” Puck says as he opens the door. 

“Good. I was afraid if it was Burt, he’d do the hat thing,” Finn says. “How’s Jonah today?”

“Oh, he’s fine right now, ‘cause it’s not nighttime,” Puck says. 

“He’s not sleeping good?” Finn asks. 

“He sleeps fine once he’s sleeping, but if he’s awake…” Puck winces and shakes his head. He steps back for Finn to enter and then shuts the door. “Google says it’s ‘colic’.” 

“That sounds bad.” Finn frowns. “Is that why you’re sleeping so much?”

“I’m just napping when he does. It doesn’t feel like that much,” Puck says. 

“Kurt was kinda worried about you, is all.”

“Huh?” Puck says, walking back into the living room. “Hey, buddy, Finn’s here.” 

“He thinks maybe you’ve got postpartum depression,” Finn says.

“I—what?” Puck says. “I didn’t give birth.” 

“That’s what Mom said,” Finn says. “Still, you’re the one who’s been taking care of him since he was born, so maybe you’ve got, like, the dad version of it.”

“Dude, Kurt and Burt can’t hear him. The basement’s soundproof.” 

“Kurt says you look tired all the time, and you don’t want to do stuff.”

“Because he’s awake half the night, yeah,” Puck says, gesturing towards Joel. “And Kurt’s idea of a fun activity is taking a seven week old baby to the park.” He pauses. “Also, I decided to skip the possibility of rumors, and just didn’t tell him Rachel’d been here.” 

“He’s just worried about you,” Finn says.

“I’m pretty sure I’m fine. Colic’s supposed to get better after a few months, which is good, because eventually I have to find someone willing to pay me to babysit.” 

“Rachel said she was gonna talk to some people at your temple.”

“At this rate, I practically _will_ be keeping kosher,” Puck says. “You’re my only hope.” 

“Hey, that food from Jonah’s party was pretty good, you know,” Finn says. 

“Sure, but so is bacon,” Puck says mournfully. 

“You can eat turkey bacon.”

“Kurt buys _vegan sausage_ , Finn. So that he could put cheese in the eggs. It was so weird,” Puck says. 

“You’re the one who told him you kept kosher, dude,” Finn says.

“Kosher and vegan aren’t the same thing!” Puck says. “The vegan sh—stuff is all him.” 

Finn shrugs. “Rachel says being vegan makes it easier.”

“I don’t know, she always has to bring her own food and special order stuff,” Puck says. “That’s a different kind of harder, I guess. Kurt really thinks I’m depressed or something?” 

“Yeah. He does,” Finn says. 

“That’s kind of hilarious. I mean, he can’t hear Joel at night, because the basement’s soundproof,” Puck says. “You think I should leave the door cracked one night?” 

“Might help him understand better,” Finn says. 

“If he’s tired and groggy the next morning, who should I blame?” Puck says. “Only problem with leaving Chloe behind, you know?” 

“Just blame Jonah. Nobody could get mad at a _baby_. It’s not his fault he’s got garlic.”

Puck laughs. “Colic, not garlic. Though one website said that if he were breastfed, no more eating garlic.” 

“Maybe the cows ate garlic,” Finn says.

“You think I should switch formula?” Puck asks. “One site did mention that as a possibility, but he does fine with it most of the day.” 

“I don’t know. Maybe he needs the vegan kind, like Rachel said,” Finn says. “You know, soy beans can’t eat garlic.”

“Yeah, but there’s some weird thing with soy. Estrogen or something,” Puck says, shaking his head. “I don’t think he’s supposed to have estrogen.” 

“Oh. Hmm. Yeah, I dunno, then, dude,” Finn says, shaking his head.

“ _I_ know,” Puck says. “You can give him his bottle.” 

“Maybe I hold it at a better angle or something.”

“You’d have to spend the night to fully test that theory out,” Puck says. 

“Uh, thanks, but no thanks!” Finn says. 

“Is that more about the baby or the other people in the house?”

“Both.”

“Hey, I’m not disagreeing with you,” Puck says. “Maybe you could just go home really late one night?” He goes into the kitchen and starts a pot of water warming, grabbing a bottle out of the refrigerator. “You think he’s moved on?” 

“Kurt?” Finn says. “No clue. I don’t know how to tell.”

“Do you want me to ask him? I thought about asking him anyway,” Puck admits. 

“I don’t want to make it weird. Weirder.”

“It’s already one kind of weird, right?” 

Finn nods. “Yeah. It is.” He sighs loudly. “It’s getting a little less weird though, with you and Jonah here.”

“Baby magic,” Puck says. “Maybe I _should_ ask. Selfishly.” 

“I dunno.” Finn shrugs. “Maybe.”

“Well, I mean, if you’re gonna get super-upset, I won’t, but _I’m_ curious,” Puck says. 

Finn shakes his head. “Nah, I won’t get super-upset. If stuff gets way weirder, we can always hang out at my place, right?”

“Your mom’d love that, I bet,” Puck says. He retrieves the now-warm bottle and hands it to Finn. “And I could eat some bacon.” 

“Kurt’s gonna catch you one of these days, and then he’ll be mad, and you’ll be sorry,” Finn points out.

“What’s the worst that can happen? He serves vegetarian sausage at breakfast?” Puck says. “That already happened.” 

“But you’re kinda betraying his trust, dude,” Finn says. “He’s gonna feel tricked. That doesn’t feel good, trust me. It feels like being stupid and gullible.”

“I don’t know if it’s really a trick, though.” Puck sits down and hands Joel to Finn. “I mean, I _wasn’t_ keeping kosher before but I _have_ been since he was born.” 

“And if you’re sneaking bacon at my house, you’d be lying about keeping kosher, which means you’d be tricking him,” Finn says, frowning a little as he starts to feed Joel his bottle. 

“I never have asked Carole if it’s turkey bacon or pork bacon. If I keep not asking, it’s not _directly_ tricking him. Anyway, I figured he’d already caught on. Why else would he serve vegan sausage?” 

Finn shrugs. “I have no idea.”

“The cheese in the eggs was weird too, and then he wanted to know what kinds of cheese I’d eaten. I think I’ve become a project.” 

“Better you than me.”

“Well, yeah, ‘cause it’d be super-creepy if he was trying to ‘improve’ someone he wanted to date. With me it’s only, like… a little bit creepy and mostly just awkward. Nice enough, but awkward.”

“He’s trying to bond with you, though,” Finn says. “That’s sweet, right? Like, better than being mad about you being here.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Puck shakes his head a little. “I’ve been here, what? Six, seven weeks? And I’m still not sure how that exactly happened. I also still don’t have a curfew, which I guess is ‘cause his bedtime is way earlier than any curfew.” 

“You might want to start going out with somebody again at some point, though,” Finn says. 

“You keep wanting me to date,” Puck says with a little bit of a smirk. It’d be easier for him for Finn stopped giving him so many potential openings, though. 

“No I don’t. I only said it once!”

“This is twice,” Puck says. “Did you have someone in mind or something?” 

“Pretty sure it was only once,” Finn says.

“Once before, once now, twice.” Puck knows he should probably drop it since he doesn’t plan on mentioning any other information, but he also knows he doesn’t necessarily make the most logical decisions. 

“I’m just being, like, _thoughtful_ ,” Finn says. “So you know your teenager-life isn’t totally over or anything.”

“It probably a little bit is,” Puck says, lying back on the floor and staring up at the ceiling. “I mean, if I weren’t the one in the situation, I wouldn’t sign up to date a single father at age sixteen or seventeen, either.” 

“I won’t bring it up again,” Finn says. 

“Oh my god, I’m not offended.” 

“I didn’t say you were!”

“I wasn’t trying to censor your topics of discussion,” Puck says. “It was just funny. You’re the only one who’s brought it up. Well, except for Kurt, sort of.” 

“Kurt wants you to date?” Finn asks. 

“I’m not sure, now that I think about it. We discussed it, is all. Probably he’d be sad if me the single father managed to date before he did.” Puck considers telling Finn the entire conversation, or blurting it out, really, down to how he’s bi and still hasn’t mentioned it to Finn, but he closes his mouth instead.

“Maybe if he’s done trying to hook up with me, he could meet somebody, you know, into him,” Finn says. 

“Exactly. Like he’s gotta be somebody’s type.” 

“Somebody not me.”

“Yeah, not mine, either,” Puck says. 

“Hey! Maybe Rachel can find him a date at temple while she’s looking for babysitting jobs for you!” Finn says. 

“We can’t let her set him up with Ben Israel, even if it’d be momentarily hilarious to see his face.” 

“That would be a terrible thing to do to your new brother,” Finn says. 

“My goyim brother, no less,” Puck says with a snort. 

“That’s the one that means ‘not Jewish’, right?”

“Yeah. You’re my goyim Finn.” 

“Your personal not-Jewish Finn?” Finn asks, laughing. “I think Rachel might fight you over that.”

“Nah, I bet Rachel and I could come to an agreement,” Puck says. “We always did really well sharing toys when we were preschoolers.” 

“I’m, like, a timeshare now?” 

“Did you need to be a timeshare? Rachel and I used to use the toys at the same time and play Powerpuff Girls.” 

Finn laughs loud enough that Joel startles a little. “Were you the professor guy or whoever?”

“Um, _no_ ,” Puck says, acting as offended as he can manage. “Screw that guy, I was Buttercup.” 

Finn laughs even louder. Joel startles again and starts to cry. “Aww, sorry, buddy!” Finn says, shifting Joel a little in his arms. “Sorry Jonah!”

“I was a good Buttercup, Joel, don’t listen to Finn,” Puck says. 

“Shh. Your dad was a great Buttercup. Don’t cry!” Finn coos at Joel. 

“I’ll just let Rachel know we finally found a Blossom,” Puck says. “Right?” 

“If it makes the baby stop crying, do whatever you gotta do,” Finn says. 

“That’s probably solved by burping him, dude,” Puck says. 

Two days later, Puck realizes that if Finn’s Blossom, that means Kurt might be the Professor, but he doesn’t say that while the four of them are all hanging out. He doesn’t leave the door open, but since Puck starts making an effort to make sure Kurt knows when he’s hanging out with Finn or Rachel or both, or including Kurt, Kurt seems to drop the whole depression thing. 

Puck still doesn’t have anyone paying him to babysit, but Burt isn’t pushing him on it, even though school’s out, which is pretty nice. Puck actually feels like he’s getting into something of a routine, and it hits him one evening when he’s giving Joel his bottle. 

“Hey, I’m just used to you being Joel,” Puck says. “Not Joel-instead-of-Beth.” Joel keeps sucking away at his bottle. “Yeah, I know that doesn’t mean much to you, does it? And you’ve had this colic stuff for a few weeks now, and I still like you.” Joel stops for a moment and stares at Puck. “Yeah, I know, I love you, too, but trust me, you scream _really_ loud.” Joel starts back on the bottle, and Puck laughs. 

A little later, when Puck goes to shut the basement door, he decides to leave it cracked, like Finn had initially suggested. He gives the door a look, then Joel. “I know,” he tells Joel. “Tonight’ll be the night you sleep, probably.”

**Author's Note:**

> It's our fall break and SOME of us are going on vacation, so there probably won't be another addition to this series for a few days at least!


End file.
